Rejection is devastating. From kids being bullied or isolated in school to partners being shattered by separation or divorce, it all hurts. Selection for hostility by workmates or “friends” can empty us. And yet at least every parent is scheduled to experience rejection, at best the leaving home for college, at worst what we often see in adolescence, though we’ve all seen kids who have grown hostile even sooner than their teens. [Of course, not every teen rebels in stereotypically ugly fashion].
Pastors know all kinds of rejection, from church visitors not “getting it”, to people meeting us socially and attacking us for faith itself, to people who have begun the walk of faith drifting away, to people “church hopping” off to greener church pastures. Oh, and some people just don’t like me! But when my children hit the point in their lives when I was not their greatest joy, or when they could only remember my restrictions and not my permissions, it hurt more than any other.
From parents I have talked to, the biggest problem in rejection from their kids seems to be in the surprise and disorientation, yet we all know it’s coming! It would be so cool if it was begun on a certain date, scheduled ahead of time. Maybe this is a serious clue: Our modern romanticized view of life includes the idea that everyone should like us all the time. Jesus promised that wouldn’t be true!!
I summarize my philosophy for parenting my younger kids as giving then an enormous yard for experimentation but with cliffs at the edges. What I mean is I let them grow without much criticism if they stayed within the bounds or appropriate social behavior (some of you would say I define that a bit loosely!). But I was very severe for crossing those lines.
On the other hand, as a youth ages, our control of the consequences goes down … the cliffs can appear as gentle inclines. But life has consequences. So then I become interpreter for life itself when my kids can’t see why they get bit by the snakes in the grass. This is no more fun than being the bringer of the consequences themselves. Sometimes the messenger gets blamed!
The most important thing I know about rejection is that when it is happening for anyone, in any situation, we have to go somewhere healthy to make up for the missing doses of affirmation. The neglected lover doesn’t do well starting an affair, but can do really well joining a group like a Men or Women’s breakfast or a book club. The child needs a club or hobby group or activity where they are not the reject in the group. The parent needs (ideally) to rediscover their partner, but at least the developing of the same networks of love and pleasure that an adult without a child would have. This is maybe a reason we have such great adult attendance in karate class from parents of teens!
And deeper, we must find the voice of God in our souls. From the Bible, from prayer, from the creation,from other spiritual reading and most of all from church, we must hear again the voices of love when others don’t play their part in conveying God’s joy to us.
Take care.”You will be despised and rejected” at times. Gather in the love God sends from other sources. Do not let yourelf remain loveless. Actively seek out where God is intending to send you grace.And give. It is a uniquely spectacular source of affirmation.
If it is your kid rejecting you, don’t blame them for that. They will make enough additional mistakes. (Parents caught in custody blame fights, there are different issues. Talk to me or a counselor on that, will ya?).
Oh, and listen to the truth often: You are loved. Enormously. By a God who sings and dances your name in the heavens.
Do well.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
BROKEN HEART
Broken Heart
Consider these headlines: “Church Leaders Rejoice over Gay Marriage Ban,” “Abortion Doctor Shot in Church”, and “Pastor Condemns Obama’s Efforts to Appease Muslims.”
Whatever your opinion on these issues, don’t you think it is a bit odd that most people in America know the church better for the things it condemns rather than for its message of love? Some people call the anti-abortion efforts of some faith communities as the “Talibanization of American Christianity” because so much of the anti-abortion crusade is from some Christians against others they judge as less correct than themselves. I don’t think throwing slurs against either side does us well, but I do lament when a man being as compassionate as he understands his faith to call him to be can be gunned down in his own church.
People, we can only earn the right to criticize honorably when people know we love them and want them healed. Gay people all over the country hear conservative churches not as working to “protect marriage” but as attacking them rather directly. And killing a man serving his God in church in the name of “pro-life” is bizarre.
We have good news. It is that God loves everyone. Immensely. We will have to live that out loud with kindness that sings above the cruelty for any change to be made in this culture’s image of faith and church. Go ahead. Get in a bit of trouble for doing kindness and genuinely accepting others. Surely it would be better to love a little too much than to be known as judging at all.
Do well.
Consider these headlines: “Church Leaders Rejoice over Gay Marriage Ban,” “Abortion Doctor Shot in Church”, and “Pastor Condemns Obama’s Efforts to Appease Muslims.”
Whatever your opinion on these issues, don’t you think it is a bit odd that most people in America know the church better for the things it condemns rather than for its message of love? Some people call the anti-abortion efforts of some faith communities as the “Talibanization of American Christianity” because so much of the anti-abortion crusade is from some Christians against others they judge as less correct than themselves. I don’t think throwing slurs against either side does us well, but I do lament when a man being as compassionate as he understands his faith to call him to be can be gunned down in his own church.
People, we can only earn the right to criticize honorably when people know we love them and want them healed. Gay people all over the country hear conservative churches not as working to “protect marriage” but as attacking them rather directly. And killing a man serving his God in church in the name of “pro-life” is bizarre.
We have good news. It is that God loves everyone. Immensely. We will have to live that out loud with kindness that sings above the cruelty for any change to be made in this culture’s image of faith and church. Go ahead. Get in a bit of trouble for doing kindness and genuinely accepting others. Surely it would be better to love a little too much than to be known as judging at all.
Do well.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
WANTING
Maybe my main job is to nurture passion, or as Jesus called it, “hunger and thirst for goodness”. Passion for God … for life … for healing … for hope … for justice. This is my job.
Now, passion is a dangerous thing if it goes wrong. “Crimes of passion” should include religious wars and judgmental hostilities to those who think different from us. Thus, passion is best when it is pastored, shaped, guided. At my ordination as a pastor I used the image of a controlled burn.
But without the burn, nothing happens. Where there is energy there is heat. When the news of more job layoffs brings you to a painful desiring for those affected to be whole and safe, that is from your deepest passion. Even the anger over the government’s and bankers’ irresponsibility is from that honorable place, though we can take it crazy places.
When you want badly to see a child healed or a war ended, a relationship reconciled or poverty ended, you do that from your passion for God, for life, for healing, for hope and for justice.
When we play the cynic, or pretend that we can prefer detachment or distraction, we lie to our core. We are in love. No amount of work, or television, or computer gaming can really deplete your hunger.
You thirst for the best of reasons. Feel it in your taste buds! Listen to God in your soul. Don’t rush. The hunger doesn’t die. But do stay engaged. This wanting … it’s in your nature!
Now, passion is a dangerous thing if it goes wrong. “Crimes of passion” should include religious wars and judgmental hostilities to those who think different from us. Thus, passion is best when it is pastored, shaped, guided. At my ordination as a pastor I used the image of a controlled burn.
But without the burn, nothing happens. Where there is energy there is heat. When the news of more job layoffs brings you to a painful desiring for those affected to be whole and safe, that is from your deepest passion. Even the anger over the government’s and bankers’ irresponsibility is from that honorable place, though we can take it crazy places.
When you want badly to see a child healed or a war ended, a relationship reconciled or poverty ended, you do that from your passion for God, for life, for healing, for hope and for justice.
When we play the cynic, or pretend that we can prefer detachment or distraction, we lie to our core. We are in love. No amount of work, or television, or computer gaming can really deplete your hunger.
You thirst for the best of reasons. Feel it in your taste buds! Listen to God in your soul. Don’t rush. The hunger doesn’t die. But do stay engaged. This wanting … it’s in your nature!
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
HOLY DEFIANCE
We pretend sometimes that we will find a one-to-one ratio to “niceness” and spirituality. Kindness, maybe, but niceness, no. Joy? Oh, yeah. Sweetness? No guarantee. Much of life is lived best because we exercise holy defiance.
Quick example: Someone recently said to someone in front of me in a long line “Life sucks, doesn’t it?” I guessed he meant it to suggest he shared the sense of the long wait. But the person to whom he spoke said back “Well, I love my life, but this moment isn’t so hot!” No, I didn’t hear ‘what do you mean life sucks? It’s great! What’s the matter with you? Don’t you know about life in God … ‘etc. Just a gentle counter. But that is still holy defiance.
Sure, we see holy defiance when spiritual people stand against the powerful for the poor or against a government when it kills or wars or degrades people’s lives. But you will have several opportunities today to be defiant in the best sense, right in your day’s work and in your evening rest.
You will be tempted toward numbness by your television or electronics; you will be invited into negativity by the news manipulators (some of them in your own back yard). You will be lured toward self centered-ness and averted from touching the creation by much that will come your way.
Defy!!! Love! Care! Walk in the wind! Feel deeply, and hope against hopelessness. Pray! Read. Plan your datebook around love, faith, and doing good. God is making you strong. Use your gifts.
Quick example: Someone recently said to someone in front of me in a long line “Life sucks, doesn’t it?” I guessed he meant it to suggest he shared the sense of the long wait. But the person to whom he spoke said back “Well, I love my life, but this moment isn’t so hot!” No, I didn’t hear ‘what do you mean life sucks? It’s great! What’s the matter with you? Don’t you know about life in God … ‘etc. Just a gentle counter. But that is still holy defiance.
Sure, we see holy defiance when spiritual people stand against the powerful for the poor or against a government when it kills or wars or degrades people’s lives. But you will have several opportunities today to be defiant in the best sense, right in your day’s work and in your evening rest.
You will be tempted toward numbness by your television or electronics; you will be invited into negativity by the news manipulators (some of them in your own back yard). You will be lured toward self centered-ness and averted from touching the creation by much that will come your way.
Defy!!! Love! Care! Walk in the wind! Feel deeply, and hope against hopelessness. Pray! Read. Plan your datebook around love, faith, and doing good. God is making you strong. Use your gifts.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
ANGELS MIGHT MATTER
Some of you might know that I occasionally do a bit of interviewing before I write a blog (see previous blogs about pornography and gambling for examples of the results). For this one I spoke to three of my more skeptical friends about angels. These friends, who do a fine faith journey in spite of their difficulties with God, miracles, you name it, have no problem at all believing in angels!
For at least two of them, the reasons are entirely practical and experiential: They think they might have met one, or more.
Ok, in the year before I was willing to consider myself a person of any faith at all, I had three experiences with someone I couldn’t explain … I couldn’t understand why he showed up where he did … in three different situations … all of which were the most upsetting moments of my year… and in each situation he, well, “saved” me.
Jesus speaks of each of us having an angel advocating for us. Oh, and by the way, I know some of you and --you need it!
In some faiths they speak of serendipity, the way some things seem to conspire together to make just the right thing happen at the right time. In most large world faith traditions they speak of supernatural beings or messengers or gods present in our world.
I don’t think you have to believe in angels to be a person of faith. But you might do well to consider the help you get, from finding your keys to not being hit on the road. It seems to me that in light of a wounded world where we all suffer some real pains, that God has, perhaps in our defense, constructed multiple layers of kindness to meet us on our way. And you never know when you will run across a surprise.
For at least two of them, the reasons are entirely practical and experiential: They think they might have met one, or more.
Ok, in the year before I was willing to consider myself a person of any faith at all, I had three experiences with someone I couldn’t explain … I couldn’t understand why he showed up where he did … in three different situations … all of which were the most upsetting moments of my year… and in each situation he, well, “saved” me.
Jesus speaks of each of us having an angel advocating for us. Oh, and by the way, I know some of you and --you need it!
In some faiths they speak of serendipity, the way some things seem to conspire together to make just the right thing happen at the right time. In most large world faith traditions they speak of supernatural beings or messengers or gods present in our world.
I don’t think you have to believe in angels to be a person of faith. But you might do well to consider the help you get, from finding your keys to not being hit on the road. It seems to me that in light of a wounded world where we all suffer some real pains, that God has, perhaps in our defense, constructed multiple layers of kindness to meet us on our way. And you never know when you will run across a surprise.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Talking About Faith
Remember the story of E Stanley Jones, the day after he became a Christian? Someone said “E Stanley, you ain’t no Christian”, to which he responded “The Hell I ain’t”.
This is in response to a recent question of Diane’s “How do we share the invitation to faith in a religiously paranoid age?” (my wording).
I asked some of you what people said to you when you were considering church or before you were. The answers varied. I didn’t ask permission to share names, so you’re safe!
I told Diane I often say to atheists that I am glad we’re at least partly on the same page. They must have rejected much of the religion of judgementalism and closed mindedness that I, too, have had enough of.
One friend told me someone said nothing of their faith other than to listen to her story of wandering, and then said they were really glad she had embarked on a spiritual journey and would love to share it with her if she didn’t yet have a spiritual family.
Another said that someone just conveyed that they genuinely appreciated him. That made him ask questions of their faith and hope.
I guess the joy of it is that we are never in a place where we have to sell anything. We can admit to our friends we are in love, with God and life and all the creation. We can admit easily to those who are deeply pondering that we don’t have all the answers. And we can deeply listen to people’s stories and hopes and tell them our spiritual story as well, in mutual hearing. And it really matters to be able to tell friends that we go to a church where love is all we need to belong, trusting God to figure out the rest in us.
But don’t forget: most all of the people you know are wounded by their histories with bitter, hateful people who claim to represent Christ. My sense is that they are nervous only until we show them that we are ready to hear them and love them as they are. When they see faith as the power behind whatever loving we know, it tells them something more important than words.
I am wondering how [or if] you share your faith with others? If you’d like, find “comments” at the bottom of this page, click it, log in and share your thoughts [if you’re shy, send me an email].
Do well.
This is in response to a recent question of Diane’s “How do we share the invitation to faith in a religiously paranoid age?” (my wording).
I asked some of you what people said to you when you were considering church or before you were. The answers varied. I didn’t ask permission to share names, so you’re safe!
I told Diane I often say to atheists that I am glad we’re at least partly on the same page. They must have rejected much of the religion of judgementalism and closed mindedness that I, too, have had enough of.
One friend told me someone said nothing of their faith other than to listen to her story of wandering, and then said they were really glad she had embarked on a spiritual journey and would love to share it with her if she didn’t yet have a spiritual family.
Another said that someone just conveyed that they genuinely appreciated him. That made him ask questions of their faith and hope.
I guess the joy of it is that we are never in a place where we have to sell anything. We can admit to our friends we are in love, with God and life and all the creation. We can admit easily to those who are deeply pondering that we don’t have all the answers. And we can deeply listen to people’s stories and hopes and tell them our spiritual story as well, in mutual hearing. And it really matters to be able to tell friends that we go to a church where love is all we need to belong, trusting God to figure out the rest in us.
But don’t forget: most all of the people you know are wounded by their histories with bitter, hateful people who claim to represent Christ. My sense is that they are nervous only until we show them that we are ready to hear them and love them as they are. When they see faith as the power behind whatever loving we know, it tells them something more important than words.
I am wondering how [or if] you share your faith with others? If you’d like, find “comments” at the bottom of this page, click it, log in and share your thoughts [if you’re shy, send me an email].
Do well.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
LOSING OUR RELIGION
One academic Christian friend stood in front of a group and said “I stopped believing God exists several times last week. That apparently had little or no impact on God existing”. Have you seen this week’s headlines about the slipping number of people who consider themselves Christian in our country? Bishop Warner Brown mentioned it in his message to the Church of the Joyful Healer last week.
Hmmm … Since church/synagogue/house of worship in the USA hovers at between 25 and 35 percent most of the time, when I hear that those who call themselves Christian has dropped from 86% to 75%, I think we may not be getting clear information from the poll. I suspect rather, the use of the word “Christian” no longer has the same meaning it once had, like in the South, where a “good Christian” used to mean someone who doesn’t cause much trouble. People used to call themselves Christian with little meaning to the word other than perhaps a relative was buried by a pastor or priest. Maybe it is good for the country to support people being more reflective on how they connect themselves.
But specifically, when I was appointed to start a church in northern
I suspect that as churches in the
I don’t expect our more open and positive church family to grow every year in number, but usually it does.
What is more important is that the church is growing in relationships and in usefulness to the communities around it. I just spoke to someone in the tick-borne disease support group that meets in our building on Friday. She loves our church even while being a member of a very different religious group. It is never about numbers! It is about the people we bless and the life we find together in faith.
Do well.
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