RAISING KIDS #1 - Going to Church

A little guy was completely out of control one morning in church. Finally his dad picked him up and walked out in frustration. The little one cried that he didn’t want to leave, but dad kept walking. Finally near the door the little guy called out “Goodbye everybody. Pray for me.”

How to bring our kids to church is an issue at every stage of development.

What you might expect me to say about kids in church: It is one of the greatest gifts you can give them to grow up in a church and faith family.

But that isn’t the whole story is it?

… When they are young they can be distracting when they cry or fuss or spit up or yell or play loudly or grab or … or … And most of that distraction is quadrupled for the parents trying to pray or hear a message.

… As they get older they can act out home frustrations knowing you are vulnerable in a group, or they can have trouble with doing the group activities or even wanting to leave home and get dressed.

… As they get to pre-teen stage, they can think church is awful and come up with vicious interpretations of church and faith, or have issues of “coolness” or independence that can make it almost impossible to get them to come. I have seen kids love me one year, “hate” me the next, use me for a job reference the next, and tell me I have been one of the best influences in their life in the next!

What to do?

Frankly, for younger children, the best thing a family can do is keep the habit. Be there except for sickness and out of town weekends if you can. Even when it is unsatisfying, it is the gift of teaching the ritual to the child. None of us are good at something if we do it seldom enough. Frequency is the way to proficiency in anything. Families with more than one adult can shift management of the details back and forth a bit, but that is a reminder to love on the many single parents among us!

As a child gets into elementary levels, it is a real favor for them to get to know the church family as individuals. If they can remember they are coming to see “Pat, Tim, Judy, Mary, Shante, Juan, Sarah or Mike” rather than just the amalgam of those people in a big blob it can greatly add to their social skill set, since church is one of the rare opportunities for a child to mix with folk of diverse ages. Churched kids are, on average, socially ahead of others in the skill of multigenerational socialization, a vital capacity for grown up life. This makes coffee hour and an occasional special church event like the campout real useful, even vital.

Here’s a note that will save you a lot of grief with some kids: At elementary grade levels, kids need to learn that church behavior isn’t courteous because it’s church. If they think all the social graces they have to learn there are because of church or faith they can resent church or faith for requiring those social graces of them!!! They need to be taught that these graces are human graces, and are required of them any time they are in group settings. Church doesn’t need to be blamed for this. They would have to use the same social skills in a club or a family reunion.

And at elementary grade age, they need to be expected to participate in church attendance just like the easy expectation of eating family meals together and visiting cousins together.

If and when church attendance becomes a struggle, which it often does in the early to mid pre-teens, I recommend a graduated pattern of adjustments. First, remember that the kids most likely to attend church as adults have parents that are faithful to their church whether the child goes or not. In other words, when you go even when your teen is not going, they finally see how much it really matters to you. That rubs off.

If the resistance gets thick I recommend that you first make church rituals more obviously useful to your growing kid. I have seen several families wisely develop a two or three-part ritual on church day, like always doing a family out-to-eat on Sunday after church. If you miss one you miss the other. Other possibilities are starting or ending play time with other kids at church, or always doing a movie out or biking or other hobby right after church. This is just good use of precious family time, but it makes the point that this is a central part of us being family.

Do I encourage parents to debate church beliefs with a hostile teen? Not much, if at all. Church is our extended family. Many adults go without buying all of its beliefs, but we do good for ourselves and for the world as a church, so we are here and committed. The habit teaches more than the cognition, I think.

Did my kids have options not to come to church? Yes, but not often. I let them know I thought the family deserved their participation. And the youth program was a part of that family. And so were all those folk who they have come to know here. We weren’t rigid, yet as awkward as it can be for the “preacher’s kids” to feel free to define themselves, both my kids accepted church as a given for most of their youth. And they are still among you and thriving as a result of that connection.

Did we debate beliefs when they were in “rejectionist” mode? Not much. I never suggested they needed to accept church belief to attend. The same is true for many adults who attend church. They do so out of something bigger than their momentary cognitive assent to certain beliefs.

Don’t lie to yourself: church is best when it is a habit, but something inside us will try to break that. Keeping it for yourself is the greatest gift you can give yourself, even if your kids/parents or significant other don’t come along. And they are most likely to “get it” seeing you keep the habit no matter what.

Do well.