Anger Management

Have You Heard the One About: When I was a pastor of my first church, I had someone come to me who was new on a faith journey and had been reading the Bible for the first time. She came to tell me she could not be a Christian. I asked why and she said she had discovered in the Bible that Jesus got angry. And she said that meant that he was not a Christian, either [she did work that out, by the way].

What You Might Expect Me to Say About Anger Management: Rage is an awful thing, and it most often targeted toward those we supposedly love. The United Methodist Social Principles say “We recognize that family violence and abuse in all its forms—verbal, psychological, physical, sexual—is detrimental to the covenant of the human community”. I have risked my life several times to intervene in intimate violence. It is horrible.

But That’s Not the Whole Story, Is it? We all get mad. And sometimes to be honest with those we love we need to talk about uncomfortable things. The Bible decries rage, but allows it is quite possible to “Be angry but do not sin”. Some of my friends dump on themselves for every hint of anger they have, when some of that anger seems quite appropriate and even useful energy to me. And yep, Jesus did get mad. And his followers did some good anger along with some … well … less good anger. Then and now!

Now I Get In Trouble: I believe that much rage is from holding back on good anger. What do I mean? Well, here is the difference in simple examples: If I say, “I am so angry about this, and I don’t want to be angry with you. I love you. We have to fix this problem, and I want to fix it now” that is anger. If I say to my beloved “You are the scum of the earth, you disgusting excuse for a human, you rectum of the universe” … that’s different. Totally, completely the opposite. But if I don’t have the tools to express anger and find grace in it, I avoid it at all costs. Then we wait ‘till the water boils.

I think people who over-rely on anger are putting themselves into tensions at odds with the peace intended in their soul. But I think people who have never distinguished between anger and rage tend to give up on themselves and go straight to rage because they think of all those emotions as the same deep evil in themselves. When we rage, we have given up on ourselves. And this is deadly.

I don’t believe in rage as a tool at all. I think anger is a decent way to discover energy intended to propel us toward healing. Dr King was angry. Great leaders are angry at evil and corruption and social decline.

If you need to see someone about rage, do it right away. It is not enough to find a counselor who will hear you whine about life. It is important to find someone who will help you find your best energies for healing, including anger, and be able to spot when this rage is masquerading as anger.

If you are raising kids, you need to help your kids figure this out. If you are in a relationship, this is vital to your future. Do well.