Some of you have heard me tell a tidbit: I was in front of a large group of men, and I asked them to make a list of their five best friends, and get in groups of two or three and quickly describe one quality of each of the five. The room lit up with laughter and animation as the men told each other of their best friend’s styles and qualities (and maybe foibles!).
Then I asked the men to write on their list the number of months or years that it had been since they had spent time with that friend. Each group was then to average their number of months or years.
For most in each group they hadn’t spent time with their five best friends since high school. Most didn’t even know where their “best friends” lived, or what they did for work, or if they had kids.
The average age of the group was probably around 40 years old.
A nationally known counselor said that what makes our world different from 50 years ago is that now adult women are losing the skill of making good friends just like men in our culture. What is sad is that if you watch kids, we are made to be social, and most of us had the tools of community in us at one time.
For me what is most peculiar is that most men in that group seemed to not think of themselves as lonely. Now most of us fall into one or two of three common modes: lonely and noticing it; lonely for meaningful friendship but keeping so busy and distracted as to avoid noting it; or living all our friendships out at a very shallow level with workmates or over kid’s play dates until we retire.
Yes, I know, great friendships develop slowly, and are discovered almost like trolling for fish. You drag your line through the water and keep moving slowly until you find something. What is different from the analogy is that we often don’t know we have a good friendship for a long while after we have found it. But trolling is a good analogy in that it suggests on purpose.
I have friends in the church I serve that are so good at making and keeping friends that I have to resist the urge to send all my new acquaintances to them. They are almost full of time slots just enjoying their sacred connections. But most folk I know don’t even know how to begin.
What to do? Well, at least we get started by recognizing what our culture has underequipped us to do … or even underequipped us to even want to do!
And of course, it helps a lot to have a few places on our calendar we show up in regularly where we might possibly make a friend or two … places like church, hobby groups, sports teams, even volunteer task groups and community organizations. Just not bars! I have few issues with drinking in healthy ways [see the archive blog about drinking], but I have seen so many downhill journeys begin with people feeling needy walking into bars.
I also recommend we take our extended families more seriously. Calling or visiting, I mean. Actually hearing voices!! Email is not what we evolved to do, even though it’s nice. Really, when we honor our family commitments well, we grow in ways we can open ourselves to others.
And I recommend we become generous in time and gift giving in our neighborhoods. Few of us will make close friends of neighbors, but again, we are trying to learn the ways of the human family again, and neighbors used to fill a bigger slot by far than they do now.
I am not lonely, so it feels cheap to write too much about it. It solves so slowly in a day in which we move so often, and have so little time uncommitted, as do the others we could know better!
I am embarrassed by how in love I feel, and how much I receive from virtually anyone I meet. I wish I could give this experience to everyone I see. My closer friends leave me so satisfied, too. I have a few real close friends I see casually a lot (common interests), and intentionally as well. I also keep up on several in my family by phone, which is powerful to me.
Don’t lie to yourself: the electronic world has many benefits [you’re reading a blog, for heaven’s sake!], but it is also a terrible drain on our souls. It is a box. We can open our electronics, from radios to televisions to computers to MP3 to … you get the idea … and never turn away from them again. They will suck us up and leave us numb and tired and keep us from walking outside and speaking to a neighbor or calling a friend or from watching a child play. I have an acquaintance that complains of having no friends, who spends three to five hours a night watching TV. If this is you, you’re in a different fix than other lonely people. You need to turn it off. Go call your mom/uncle/aunt/first grade teacher … SOMEbody! For the rest of you, take care of your soul. Do what you can. Keep trolling. Keep open to the loves of God. More and more you will find people to whom God will pass along that loving through you.
And maybe add the rituals of talking about all the good moments you do have with people, and remembering those moments on purpose. Cherishing time with others is a two step process: first, enjoying them when they are there; second, enjoying them after you leave them. Add more of the second. Great relationships leave a great taste in your soul. Don’t be too quick to let go of that flavor.
Do well.
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I sometimes find myself having friendships that are more one sided. perhaps i'm a bit too needy, but many of my friendships are friendships because I put a lot of effort into them because they mean a lot to me. A fact I don't often realize until I have things happen in my life, something that i'm unable to really be able to connect with my friends, perhaps due to time or energy, and it is then that I realize i don't hear from them, unless i initiate the contact. I keep telling myself, perhaps they are in the same boat I am... Too busy, too stressed to really be able to connect. I guess that's why I like the internet because even when I'm too busy, I am able to spout off an email real quick... I know it's not the same, like you said, it doesn't REALLY help us to connect the way we need to, but it does help me to try to stay connected when i'm busy. but then when I don't hear from someone, and usually when i wish i would the most, makes me just doubt our friendship and think that maybe they just aren't that into me. I read an article once in Today's Christian Women that talked about Women and friendships and how that's how some of us women are. Some of us put friendship on a very high priority and always make it a point to stay connected, and then some of us just aren't that good at doing it as maybe we would even like to. It was very insightful, though doesn't always help "in the moment". However, all this talk on friendship does make me realize the friends that i have, and how precious they are to me. The past couple of months i've been having to work a lot. I've now been offered more work, 36 hours a week. Way more then I care to be doing it. The thing that makes me the most sad is that I barely get to see my friends and get that girlfriend time in. I go to work, I come home, I take care of the kids, get them off to bed, veg in front of the TV for an hour maybe (depending on the night.. I gotta watch Heros on Mondays! and Bones on Thursdays!) and then I work on some classwork (i take an online class too) and get ready for the next day. The weekend comes, it's full of family stuff. My friends are in the same boat... family stuff on weekends. I miss them all terribly! I miss the interaction. The past month or so, i've barely been to church because of my family life needing me, and so there are more friends I haven't seen.
Ok, you know what, I could go on and ON! this is a subject so dear to my heart that I have many thoughts in my head about it. but i'll quit for now. :) I look forward to seeing people at church on sundays, people who are my friends whom I love, and I know love me. some of those frienships are real deep, other just skim the surface, but I'm grateful for all my friendships!!
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