Depression

Have you heard the one about: An old Vaudeville tale recounts a pair of obnoxious magicians who traveled the circuit. They encountered another performer in a hotel lobby who looked deeply disturbed. One asked “Hey, why do you look so down?” The reply was “I just got word that my mother died” to which the second magician responded “We know how you feel, we just lost our trunk”.

What you might expect me to say about depression: Yes, there are people who have a tougher time than you who still find the ability to be joyful. And yes, faith and a life in church will have a direct positive impact on most of us most of the time in the realm of our emotions. And yes, medication is not the answer for everything. And look at all the beauty and giftedness of our lives! We can look inside and say with the Psalmist “Why are you cast down, my soul? … Hope in God”.

But that’s not the whole story, is it? Your wounded heart matters to God. And to me.

In our emotionally stilted culture, we have few tools to use to deal with the more pained emotions, and few models of getting it right. We panic at the thought of someone being down. ”Cheer up!” becomes a defensive argument, even when it is unrealistic to ask of someone, or of ourselves.

Here are words of counsel I typically give: First, ask yourself, is it actually depression? It’s helpful to consider two distinctions. The first is that some of what we call depression is really sadness. What is the difference? A lot. Sadness has a cause, or a couple of causes that take us over the top (or under the bottom) from our everyday dealing with life’s pains into a hurting state. Sadness has a rhythm that we need to honor.

Sometimes it is grief.

Sometimes it is a call to action.

Always it is a call to commune with the wounds in the heart of our God.

Depression may best be defined as bigger than any one cause. When everything looks bad, that is, to some degree, a sickness of perception. Truthfully, many if not most of the goodnesses that make life what it is are still functioning wonderfully. When we can’t see or feel any good at all, and when all our life perspective is down, that is depression. And as that definition suggests, there is likely not a single answer, either.

A second useful question is about anger and injustice. Is there something or someone that is actively wounding us in a way which does not leave us free to respond openly? Rollo May once said that the most destructive human emotion is powerlessness. Depression can be a mask of anger when it is turned inward instead of outward toward our actual problem, or a close mimic of depression may hint that we are in a situation of powerlessness or oppression. Then the answer is probably not in any therapy, medication, or meditation, but in action or getting help, or at least recognizing the true cause being outside of the emotional tracts.

Now, if we actually discover ourselves to be depressed, what can we do? This could be a book, and it is not, so I will be as brief as I can. First, we do well to assess how deep it is. Can I do the things listed below? If not, I may well need help from family, pastor, counselors, and/or physicians or even a crisis hotline. The healthiest people over the long run are always those who can admit their need for others and their inability to do everything for themselves.

Then we can (by ourselves or with others’ help) double check that the basics structures of healthy living are in place. Are we eating veggies and fruits, and getting our proteins, minerals, and micro-nutrients? Are we walking or exercising consistently? Are we seeing the sun (or the vague reflection of it off the clouds in our rain forest setting)? Are we keeping our rhythms of spiritual community life every seven days? Are we calling relatives and checking in with friends? Are we regular??? Like in solving problems in high quality sports, often the best returns come from going back to the fundamentals.

Is medication a good idea? The Bible has many examples of medication used for God’s purposes, and wise use of all of God’s gifts is essential when we desire healing. But of course, there are limits on what medication can do. And for those without lifelong chemical imbalances, it is always good to treat medical interventions as catalysts and short term assists. And yes, there are diets, and possibly supplements that can provide some of what western medicines do, but this does not discount medication’s usefulness in the depths of times of need.

Now I Get Myself In Trouble: What is NOT useful when we are depressed is dumping on ourselves for our deficiencies or failures. When dealing with questions of mental health, the United Methodist Book of Resolutions uses the phrase “exaggerated self-negation …” While we all need God’s forgiveness, we must not fall into cycles of guilt and self abuse and pretend that is God’s will for our lives. Maybe when we are depressed we are least likely to be able to assess our faithfulness to the Spirit’s call in our lives.

When others around us feel depressed there are a whole lot of issues that are raised I won’t start with here, but I hope you seek help when others around you are struggling! I have a particular concern for parents seeing their children go through depression with all its risks and for those undergoing economic and medical crises.

My favorite Sufi poet Hafiz is quoted as saying “I know the voice of depression still calls to you.” But soon after, saying “But you are with the Friend now. And you look so much stronger”.

Don’t Lie to Yourself: Not all depression needs to be “cured”. Some depressions simply last for a lifetime. I have found that allowing myself some brief time not fighting depression gives me permission to pray differently, like the writer of Psalm 42 and 43. But at some point, I take depression as a call to look again. After all, it is a sickness of perception. So I look at the sacred people of life. I have never met someone who is not in most deep ways beautiful. Looking. Seeing beauty.

As Hafiz says,

“Keep squeezing drops of the Sun
From your prayers and work and music
And from your companions’ beautiful laughter.

Keep squeezing drops of the Sun
From the sacred hands and glance of your Beloved
And, my dear,
From the most insignificant movements
Of your own holy body.

Learn to recognize the counterfeit coins
That may buy you just a moment of pleasure,
But then drag you for days
Like a broken man
Behind a farting camel.
You are with the Friend now.
Learn what actions of yours delight Him,
What actions of yours bring freedom
And Love.

Whenever you say God’s name, dear pilgrim,
My ears wish my head was missing
So they could finally kiss each other
And applaud all your nourishing wisdom!”

For those of you with longer term depression, it is an honor to share life with you even when you struggle. Thank you for opening up to all of those you can open up to. You are beautiful in God’s eyes. And mine. And so many others. Keep squeezing drops of the Sun.

Let a friend know that this blog is here.

Grace and joyful healings to you.

If you have interest in Hafiz, I got those lines from I Heard God Laughing Renderings of Hafiz by Daniel Ladinsky.

Drinking

Did you hear the one about: A pastor loved a little wine, but served a parish that didn’t easily support alcohol consumption, certainly by one of its clergy. A couple who knew and appreciated his palate brought a bottle of home brewed blackberrry wine to a private dinner with the pastor. They said they would gladly give him another bottle if he would put his thanks in the newsletter. In the next newsletter there was a note: “The pastor wishes to thank Mr and Mrs. Smith for the gift of fruit and the spirit in which it was given”.

What you might expect me to say about drinking: Look at the disaster of alcoholism and drunk driving and liver disease and the deaths and disastrous decisions made from excessive drinking on campuses and see how destructive it is to have the alcohol option so pervasive and available in this society. As the United Methodist Book of Resoutions quotes from John Wesley’s mother: “… whatever weakens your reason, impairs the tenderness of your conscience, obscures your sense of God, or takes off the relish of spiritual things … that thing is sin to you…”

But that isn’t the whole story, is it? Many many people are capable of drinking a drop of wine for their health (just like Paul tells Timothy to do in the Bible (I Timothy 5:23). Most people are capable of taking a glass of wine or a beer to relax. It really is true that some foods go better with a wine!

Now I get in trouble: Many people have the power to drink to a little “buzz” a couple of times a year and not drive or become fools or violent at all. A bit of drinking, to what we would call that buzz, was done by the Jews at festivals under God’s guidance, as seen in passages like Deuteronomy 16:12-14 or Ecclesiastes 9:7. The passage where Jesus makes the water into wine is more striking to me because it is clear that Jesus was at a party with people who were drinking more than I am prone to do ever (it is in John chapter 2).

Some of you know that I attend a 12 step meeting of one kind or another, over 30 years after I used chemicals to excess. But I can drink a glass of wine with no problems at all. I just find the 12 step process to be useful to me.

I would want to put it this way: if you can drink with meals or after mowing a lawn to relax a wee bit, good for you. If you can drink a bit more twice a year and not need to drink the same every weekend, good for you. I hope you smile for joy!

And yes, I have willingly let my kids taste wine at restaurant meals. Me. A pastor, no less!

But don’t lie to youreslf. You are an example to someone at those meals out who might not be as capable as you. So the context is a big big deal. And a lot of the alcohol industry makes its living from excess and abuse. The Bible and most holy books are more critical of drinking for these reasons than they are ever permissive about it. I am quite willing to vote for more and more restrictions on the use and availability of alcohol, and feel no love for events sponsored by beer companies.

Well, I hope your merriment is richer than a drink could ever make you. And that you have much of it. Remember, Jesus said “I came that your joy would be full”.

Anger Management

Have You Heard the One About: When I was a pastor of my first church, I had someone come to me who was new on a faith journey and had been reading the Bible for the first time. She came to tell me she could not be a Christian. I asked why and she said she had discovered in the Bible that Jesus got angry. And she said that meant that he was not a Christian, either [she did work that out, by the way].

What You Might Expect Me to Say About Anger Management: Rage is an awful thing, and it most often targeted toward those we supposedly love. The United Methodist Social Principles say “We recognize that family violence and abuse in all its forms—verbal, psychological, physical, sexual—is detrimental to the covenant of the human community”. I have risked my life several times to intervene in intimate violence. It is horrible.

But That’s Not the Whole Story, Is it? We all get mad. And sometimes to be honest with those we love we need to talk about uncomfortable things. The Bible decries rage, but allows it is quite possible to “Be angry but do not sin”. Some of my friends dump on themselves for every hint of anger they have, when some of that anger seems quite appropriate and even useful energy to me. And yep, Jesus did get mad. And his followers did some good anger along with some … well … less good anger. Then and now!

Now I Get In Trouble: I believe that much rage is from holding back on good anger. What do I mean? Well, here is the difference in simple examples: If I say, “I am so angry about this, and I don’t want to be angry with you. I love you. We have to fix this problem, and I want to fix it now” that is anger. If I say to my beloved “You are the scum of the earth, you disgusting excuse for a human, you rectum of the universe” … that’s different. Totally, completely the opposite. But if I don’t have the tools to express anger and find grace in it, I avoid it at all costs. Then we wait ‘till the water boils.

I think people who over-rely on anger are putting themselves into tensions at odds with the peace intended in their soul. But I think people who have never distinguished between anger and rage tend to give up on themselves and go straight to rage because they think of all those emotions as the same deep evil in themselves. When we rage, we have given up on ourselves. And this is deadly.

I don’t believe in rage as a tool at all. I think anger is a decent way to discover energy intended to propel us toward healing. Dr King was angry. Great leaders are angry at evil and corruption and social decline.

If you need to see someone about rage, do it right away. It is not enough to find a counselor who will hear you whine about life. It is important to find someone who will help you find your best energies for healing, including anger, and be able to spot when this rage is masquerading as anger.

If you are raising kids, you need to help your kids figure this out. If you are in a relationship, this is vital to your future. Do well.

gambling

Have You Heard the One About: One member of my church gambled in Reno once every three months. I razzed him about it. He said he always tithed his winnings. Once when he came back he came and got me and said “Remember I told you I always tithe my 10% after gambling?” I said yes. He then said, “Well, then the church owes me $37.50”.

What You Might Expect Me to Say About Gambling: I’m against it. Don’t do it. The United Methodist Social Principles say that “Gambling is a menace to society … deadly … destructive …” and it advises abstention and helping those addicted. My dad’s days long disappearances when we were little makes the point well. And when he got back, we got no rides to sports and he sold a car or two. It sucked.

But That’s Not the Whole Story, Is It? We have wonderfully healthy friends who are once-in-a-while, budgeted gamblers. They set aside way less than it would take for me to go to a pro football game and don’t take their credit or debit cards, and have a silly night out with friends. Oh, and did I mention that the Bible has hardly any direct counsel on the subject of gambling itself?

Should everyone quit to protect the addicted? Or to stop the crazy confusion made out of government policy toward education and other concerns because of the systemic damage gambling causes? Or to reduce the incentives of native communities to invest so much in such a crime-ridden business?

Or, to avoid one more distraction with bells and whistles? Or, more seriously, to get hold of our tendency to let commercialism train us into taking our and our family’s own money {!!} and giving it away to others for truly cheap entertainment? We can dream. But that is not real.

Now I Get In Trouble: I think that IF you have no credit card debt, and if you are a healthy giver and a disciplined saver, you do little harm to yourself with budgeted gambling. Do I? Absolutely never. Partly out of concern for what gambling is doing to our national systems and psychology. Partly out of respect to the addicts and the addictable. And mostly because I need all the help I can find in keeping my monetary issues about what I earn and save real. If you gamble I hope you have a great time. But I shall razz you (consider yourself warned!). But really, you gotta be careful.

Don’t Lie to Yourself: Just because it can be just a light form of recreation, it still is no ideal hobby, and limiting yourself is essential if you do give yourself permission . Hoping to “game” the universe is not a plan. And it is a sick way to think. And that money would do wonders in Darfur, medical research, or in Humboldt County churches and agencies helping kids and youth and seniors and the hurting.

Your brain has vulnerability that leads all the way down to your soul. If you have a problem with gambling, be proud of yourself for admitting it. If you want to gamble honorably, take up farming. Or reach out to a troubled youth. You might lose. And even then you gain. Do well.

Pornography

[Hey, couples, maybe read this together!]

Have You Heard the One About: Did you know that in the early 1900s, one of the reasons people thought young people should only get a New Testament was that that way they would not see the Song of Solomon in the Old Testament [the Jewish Scriptures], because it was about sex. From God’s point of view. But they didn’t think young people should be exposed to that … … …?

What You Might Expect Me to Say About Pornography: I’m against it. Don’t use it. The United Methodist Social Principles say “We deplore all forms of commercialization and exploitation of sex… cheapening … human personality”.[And we hear often of pornography mixing in violent images, and I don’t even think it is proper to refer to anything with children as pornography, but rather of child abuse in the most wicked sense].

But That’s Not the Whole Story, Is It?: Here I am a Christian church pastor, and I have had many church attenders tell me of their uses of pornography. I made some delicate calls to a few of those lately, and I want to express my gratitude to them for broadening my sensitivities. What did I hear from healthy people? Hmm … a bit of what can be separated into two categories of thought.

First are those who confess porn has done them poorly, an addiction for some and a cheapening, almost sexless lust for others. This has damaged relationships with partners and has hindered spiritual freedom. I even heard this from a church pastor who said this was a big problem for him.

But the second group are people who genuinely see it as benign. One woman says she appreciates the sexual energy she finds it awakens in herself and her husband; another says it keeps her partner vented without wandering. Another says it has kept her attuned to her sexuality while she is single. Guys have said it is a safe way to be honorably single and honorably away from a sweetheart.

Now I Get In Trouble: Humans are curious. In many societies in longhouses and extended family tents and even in community celebrations there have been not-aberrant ‘information-gathering” glances toward others in passion’s embrace. And conversation about sex in graphic terms wasn’t invented after the camera, or after the printed page! Neither was masturbation. And we have so panicked over sexual conversation that there are few healthy ways for that interest to be satisfied.

I read once that what the world of porn needed was consumers who would demand examples of loving, committed couples healthily expressing their intimacies. Another Christian wrote that the place of healthy erotic literature needed to be lifted up as an alternative to porn. The fact that the Bible itself has an example of this in the Song of Solomon suggests that this idea has merit! And it is there with no suggestion that reading it will create unhealthy lust. But how often do you hear this argument from churches who claim to find their wisdoms in the Bible?

Do I believe that all use of porn is destructive to individuals and couples? Some very graceful people have convinced me that that is not necessarily the case. But would I recommend it? Would I like my kids to grow up to be users? Nope. But if you are a user, be reflective and limit it.

Don’t Lie to Yourself: Porn is an industry famous for abusive relationships, even if recently there is a new trend toward more care over pay and safety issues, if the news is to be believed. And its titles don’t suggest much in the way of healthy, committed couples. And addiction is common. And since sexual stimulation was apparently occurring pretty well for the last two million years without it, we can probably learn to live without it and still love passionately, and likely much more healthily.

You were made sexual. Go wild! Cherish the gift. Watch out for sexual junk food. It could make you sick or slow to hear your deepest cravings. If you are in a relationship and do use porn, talk to your partner about it. Don’t make it into a dirty secret. Sexual secrets are dangerous to a couple. Do well.