Rejection is devastating. From kids being bullied or isolated in school to partners being shattered by separation or divorce, it all hurts. Selection for hostility by workmates or “friends” can empty us. And yet at least every parent is scheduled to experience rejection, at best the leaving home for college, at worst what we often see in adolescence, though we’ve all seen kids who have grown hostile even sooner than their teens. [Of course, not every teen rebels in stereotypically ugly fashion].
Pastors know all kinds of rejection, from church visitors not “getting it”, to people meeting us socially and attacking us for faith itself, to people who have begun the walk of faith drifting away, to people “church hopping” off to greener church pastures. Oh, and some people just don’t like me! But when my children hit the point in their lives when I was not their greatest joy, or when they could only remember my restrictions and not my permissions, it hurt more than any other.
From parents I have talked to, the biggest problem in rejection from their kids seems to be in the surprise and disorientation, yet we all know it’s coming! It would be so cool if it was begun on a certain date, scheduled ahead of time. Maybe this is a serious clue: Our modern romanticized view of life includes the idea that everyone should like us all the time. Jesus promised that wouldn’t be true!!
I summarize my philosophy for parenting my younger kids as giving then an enormous yard for experimentation but with cliffs at the edges. What I mean is I let them grow without much criticism if they stayed within the bounds or appropriate social behavior (some of you would say I define that a bit loosely!). But I was very severe for crossing those lines.
On the other hand, as a youth ages, our control of the consequences goes down … the cliffs can appear as gentle inclines. But life has consequences. So then I become interpreter for life itself when my kids can’t see why they get bit by the snakes in the grass. This is no more fun than being the bringer of the consequences themselves. Sometimes the messenger gets blamed!
The most important thing I know about rejection is that when it is happening for anyone, in any situation, we have to go somewhere healthy to make up for the missing doses of affirmation. The neglected lover doesn’t do well starting an affair, but can do really well joining a group like a Men or Women’s breakfast or a book club. The child needs a club or hobby group or activity where they are not the reject in the group. The parent needs (ideally) to rediscover their partner, but at least the developing of the same networks of love and pleasure that an adult without a child would have. This is maybe a reason we have such great adult attendance in karate class from parents of teens!
And deeper, we must find the voice of God in our souls. From the Bible, from prayer, from the creation,from other spiritual reading and most of all from church, we must hear again the voices of love when others don’t play their part in conveying God’s joy to us.
Take care.”You will be despised and rejected” at times. Gather in the love God sends from other sources. Do not let yourelf remain loveless. Actively seek out where God is intending to send you grace.And give. It is a uniquely spectacular source of affirmation.
If it is your kid rejecting you, don’t blame them for that. They will make enough additional mistakes. (Parents caught in custody blame fights, there are different issues. Talk to me or a counselor on that, will ya?).
Oh, and listen to the truth often: You are loved. Enormously. By a God who sings and dances your name in the heavens.
Do well.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
BROKEN HEART
Broken Heart
Consider these headlines: “Church Leaders Rejoice over Gay Marriage Ban,” “Abortion Doctor Shot in Church”, and “Pastor Condemns Obama’s Efforts to Appease Muslims.”
Whatever your opinion on these issues, don’t you think it is a bit odd that most people in America know the church better for the things it condemns rather than for its message of love? Some people call the anti-abortion efforts of some faith communities as the “Talibanization of American Christianity” because so much of the anti-abortion crusade is from some Christians against others they judge as less correct than themselves. I don’t think throwing slurs against either side does us well, but I do lament when a man being as compassionate as he understands his faith to call him to be can be gunned down in his own church.
People, we can only earn the right to criticize honorably when people know we love them and want them healed. Gay people all over the country hear conservative churches not as working to “protect marriage” but as attacking them rather directly. And killing a man serving his God in church in the name of “pro-life” is bizarre.
We have good news. It is that God loves everyone. Immensely. We will have to live that out loud with kindness that sings above the cruelty for any change to be made in this culture’s image of faith and church. Go ahead. Get in a bit of trouble for doing kindness and genuinely accepting others. Surely it would be better to love a little too much than to be known as judging at all.
Do well.
Consider these headlines: “Church Leaders Rejoice over Gay Marriage Ban,” “Abortion Doctor Shot in Church”, and “Pastor Condemns Obama’s Efforts to Appease Muslims.”
Whatever your opinion on these issues, don’t you think it is a bit odd that most people in America know the church better for the things it condemns rather than for its message of love? Some people call the anti-abortion efforts of some faith communities as the “Talibanization of American Christianity” because so much of the anti-abortion crusade is from some Christians against others they judge as less correct than themselves. I don’t think throwing slurs against either side does us well, but I do lament when a man being as compassionate as he understands his faith to call him to be can be gunned down in his own church.
People, we can only earn the right to criticize honorably when people know we love them and want them healed. Gay people all over the country hear conservative churches not as working to “protect marriage” but as attacking them rather directly. And killing a man serving his God in church in the name of “pro-life” is bizarre.
We have good news. It is that God loves everyone. Immensely. We will have to live that out loud with kindness that sings above the cruelty for any change to be made in this culture’s image of faith and church. Go ahead. Get in a bit of trouble for doing kindness and genuinely accepting others. Surely it would be better to love a little too much than to be known as judging at all.
Do well.
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